May 12
Drip. Drip. Drip. The thoughts circle in, one by one at first, but then in dank, dark clouds. They drip with fear, harsh voices chanting pain.
You aren't enough. Everything you do is wrong. Everything you've ever done is wrong.
You've failed. You'll fail again.
I feel waves of anger, self - righteousness exploding outwards, making excuses; excusing myself. Self-soothing words come next.
You haven't done too badly, considering where you came from. You could be worse. You're actually not too bad. Look around. Look for someone a little bit more selfish than you are; see? You are going to be okay. Just keep one step ahead and you'll be alright.
A part of me pulls back and watches; the attack, the counter-attack. Studies the tactics. Makes notes. Calculates. This part knows what I really need.
Surrender.
To who?
To the One you're hiding from, in the thin - walled boxes of your mind.
Surrender? I'm scared... these walls are all I have.
All thy strong holds shall be like fig trees with the firstripe figs: if they be shaken, they shall even fall into the mouth of the eater. N a h u m 3:12
It's a promise. Can I live this moment, surrendered to my Father? I need Him. I know it with my mind and my body and my soul. Can I live this?
O my Father- let me live like the One you sent to die for me.
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