No Greater Love

 

                                                                    2.15.21

          

        Christian lies beside me, his soft body warm in the darkness, his small breathing the only sound to break the stillness. Yet another blessing to add to the list- yet another gift, priceless, timeless, and given as all the others were, through pain and sorrow and suffering. But what a gift, what richness, what a treasure beyond measure he is! Eighth child, fourth son- numbers do not diminish one jot of his uniqueness or the special space he inhabits in our family. Was he a planned child? Yes, most certainly, but not of my or his father's planning. None of them have been, but the evidence of a greater Plan looks out of each pair of dark eyes. God has been at work here; crafting with such subtle nuance, such boldness, such grace, even as I have wept and trembled and shaken in fear of yet another pregnancy, yet another foray into a 40 week wilderness. And for what does he work? For my earthly pleasure? For my pride? No, for his own glory, and what a gory glory it is, the way he rides roughshod over my preferences, over my comfort, over my fears! And yet, is not this what he promised me long ago? Because I live, you also will live. He lived, he feared, he sorrowed, he wept in a dark garden and whispered, "Father, let this cup pass from me". How human he was! And yet immediately- Not my will, but Thine be done. How long it takes me to echo that swift and humble submission. So often it takes me the full 40 weeks, the last sleepless night, the final bed of agony and I'm staring into those dark eyes again and I can finally say, Not my will, but Thine, be done. Never my will, Lord, for it is shortsighted and selfish, concerned only for my comfort and the praise of man. Your will, Lord, your good and perfect will. Be it unto me, thy handmaid, and may I have that greater, more perfect, love. 

Greater love hath no man than this, than he who lays down his life for his friend.  John 15.13

 

Prayer for a H U S B A N D

 Prayer for a H U S B A N D 

This man for me that thou
Hast given.
A good gift bought by blood, and shriven.
Bless his rest
And bless his waking.
Bless his giving
And his taking.
Him thy servant
Thou his good,
Bless him in his servanthood.
In your image
Wast he created,
Bless him as Thou art celebrated.
Thou O Father
Him thy son,
Bless through him now everyone. 

A U T U M N 2020

                                                    A U T U M N  2020

      I love the ocean. The vastness, the ever- changing color, the restless crashing of the waves as countless thousands of gallons of water are weighed and measured upon the sands. The birds skittering on the beach and dipping and wheeling above the waves. A lone whale, cavorting just within view, making us feel like all of creation was made to be enjoyed.
Which it was. 

   What a heartbreak for the Father to see the things we've done to it, and to ourselves.
   While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. 

While we were yet sinners? I'm still a sinner. All of the heinous and most grievous sins I've committed against both God and man were committed after accepting Christ. How can he have been so gracious, and continue in it? How can he have seen the future of that seven year old girl and yet still welcomed me with open arms? How can he keep taking me back when I hardly feel him before I turn away again? What sort of a God is this... to be so humble? 

   The moon, a golden glowing apricot moon rises over the dark pines, the wind tossing them back and forth like shadows... and the sea thunders. 

Thus far shall you come, and no farther,
and here shall your proud waves be stayed.

O God, you are my God. 

March 2020

 

      The more I see of life, the more I see it is filled with uncertainty and powerlessness at every turn. God is in control, but every time we attempt to snatch the reins away we don't get any farther than just swerving off course for a little while.
      I have had trouble submitting to God as a married woman, and I have had  trouble submitting to God as a single woman. I have trouble being patient and trusting as a married woman...and I had trouble trusting and being patient as a single woman. It seems like there is no escaping these things, somehow we are just supposed to plod forward, wrestling with him all the way, perhaps, but in the end, bowing down and worshipping, all crying Holy, Holy Holy, is the Lord God Almighty, who was and is and is to come!

Worthy are you, our Lord and God,

to receive glory and honor and power,

for you created all things,

and by your will they existed and were created.

         R e v e l a t i o n   4. 11

S E A S O N S

S E A S O N S

                                                     
   When I feel unloved and unwanted by my husband, when I remember the countless times he was unfaithful to me for the first seven years of our marriage, I have a hard time believing that anyone can love me, even God.

      When I remember my dad, always absent even when in my presence, when I remember his unfaithfulness to my mother and his eventual desertion, I feel like that is also who God is; unfaithful, untrustworthy, and just biding His time until he will abandon me forever.

      These are lies. GOD IS GOOD. God is merciful and just and holy and God is faithful. Jesus is faithful. The Holy Spirit is faithful.    Yet in the darkness, in the loneliness, in the mire; I do not feel what I know is true. I am alone in the darkness of my mind, and see no light.    And yet, is the Light not there? Perhaps my eyes are closed too tight to see Him.

    God, grant me eyes that want to see You and only You.    Help me to cling to what I know to be right, even when I feel completely alone.

Fifteenth Year

Unpublished Sketch by 

Susan Kobzev

   

Spring

Spring by Elysia

Spring

 Summer   

Autumn 

                                 Winter 

6.18.18

                                                      J U N E 18 2018 

    June is here at last, and that sweet elusive scent of bluebells and the soft warm scent of ferns.  Silver vases range across the mantelpiece and countertops, brimming with wild bounty.
      Flowers, flowers everywhere and all to be had for the taking. Thick sprays of chokecherry blossoms in a thick crystal vase, so tall they brush the chandelier that hangs over the dining table.    Small bunches of wild roses, their rounded green leaves pointing up and out and everywhere, the yellow stamens in stark contrast but still perfect unity with the rounded pink petals, proving once and for all that pink truly does belong with yellow. Dandelions like tiny, forceful suns crowding their way down the hill and into the lawn, and Naomi crouched in the long grass, her golden head like yet another ray of sunshine. The lupins we transplanted three years ago are finally growing like the beautiful,  decadent, glorious weeds that they are, their blue spears thrusting towards an even bluer sky. 

   Oh God, to see you as my King- that is what I long for. Not just my friend and brother, not only  my Creator and my savior- but my King. 

     Summer is here, and it is full and rich and good. May we enjoy each moment to the brim.

The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are set aloft.

                        Proverbs 18.10

A Christmas Tale

A Christmas Tale 


         Once upon a time there were two little girls on Christmas Eve, pulling their white nightgowns over their heads and wishing and wishing for a horse of their own. They fell asleep wishing, and dreamt of horses, horses with flying manes and tails, foals with big wondering eyes and delicate legs like young deer, horses standing in long stables, softly whooshing their breath as they contentedly munched their oats and nibbled at their Christmas hay.      
  It's a glorious thing to dream of your wishes, and never more so than at Christmastime. 
          They woke early, and pelted down the stairs to the landing window,  their heels twinkling below their long white gowns as they ran. Perhaps, just perhaps, one of those dream horses was a real live flesh and blood horse, standing on the snowy lawn, or waiting at the gate of the tiny stable (which looked very like a garden shed, but as anyone knows, a garden shed is just a stable waiting to happen). 

     The two girls, Clara and Emma,  pressed their noses against the cold window panes, their breath making smudges against the glass. There were no hoof prints in the freshly fallen white snow, and the garden shed still looked sadly like what it was. Their hearts fluttered with sadness, but the stars were shining bright, like handfuls of diamonds on a dark velvet blanket. It was Christmas, after all, and there would be other Christmases, and perhaps with enough wishing one day it would come to pass.
     They continued down the curving wooden staircase, the glow of the Christmas tree casting shadows against the walls. The tree was a small one this year, fat and round and jolly,  with long loops of red cranberries  they had strung themselves, and peppermint candy canes, and glass balls as delicate as soap bubbles, every color of the rainbow, and small glass animals quite crowding every inch of the little tree.    The girls felt the familiar happiness bubbling up in their chests, remembering the presents they had tucked under it the night before, gifts that had been long in the making, small things, but crafted with an uncommen love, for they loved to give gifts and always had half a dozen in the making at any one time.   

       Clara  untied a tiny package from one of the branches and handed it to Emma, her outstretched hand a little shy, as is the manner of someone giving a small piece of themselves away on a Christmas morning. "Here, this one is yours- I made it for you. Merry Christmas." Emma  unwrapped it, also a little shy, as is someone receiving a piece of someone else. 

 A little box fell  from the gilded wrappings and she opened it, turning it round and round. It was just the size of a matchbox, and Clara had painted a  winter scene inside, with a little lake made from a broken piece of mirror, and tiny figures cut from cardboard skating on it. The blue snowy hills had been painted on in watercolors, and gold stars twinkled in the sky. Flecks of golden glitter twinkled around the frozen pond, looking very much like candles for a skating party, as they were supposed to. 
    Emma cupped it safely in her hand, "I love this- Thank you," she said. They smiled softly at each other and then both turned again to the tree. Something gleamed, brown and shining from beneath the branches.  A brown china horse was grazing from a painted china feedbox, a red halter on his finely shaped face. His neck arched and curved,
and on his back was a red and gold saddle. The girls took turns holding him, looking at him first one way and then another. One of his back hooves was a pale pink, like the inside of a shell, and his eyes were deep and lustrous.

      Around his neck was tied a card with a silk ribbon; "To our dear girls Emma and Clara- may the dear Father in heaven always smile upon your dreaming. All our love, Mama and Papa" 

 He was the most magnificent toy they had ever seen, and they hugged him to themselves, exhulting in his beauty. The day passed in a happy blur, the gifts all given and properly exclaimed over, the Christmas feast a success, and the goodnight kisses given and received. 
   The china horse was put to bed in the playroom, the little china manger put close by him in case he should feel a little hungry in the night, and a cream pitcher  borrowed from a doll's tea set was pressed into service for his water.

     Again the two girls went to bed in their long white gowns, and again they slept, deeply and sweetly, this time about a horse with a red and gold saddle and eyes dark as chocolate. 
   Again they awoke early (but perhaps not as early as before), and remembering the china horse they again ran eagerly down the steps and around the corner, this time to the playroom, Emma (who was littlest,) bumping into Clara as she stopped still in the doorway. 

    They heard a soft whooshing sound, and a low gentle nickering. Papa was there, and beside him was a horse. Not a painted china stallion, but a real live horse, looking old enough to be wise with children but young enough to be a friend for many years.  The girls still stood in the doorway, breathless; "Don't you even want to meet her?"  said Mama, coming smiling down the hallway, the fullness of a Christmas miracle quite shining out of her eyes. "She's for you.. She's yours!"  Papa said, laughing at their still startled faces. 
    
 Clara reached out gently, slowly, touching the soft velvet nose, running her hand under the warmth of the long black mane. They took her through the house and across the snowy lawn,  heading towards the garden shed that now looked more than ever like a stable, with a bucket and rake leaning up against it, the fresh smell of new hay coming out over the half door. 

The girls never forgot that morning - the first time they they saw a wish and a dream, living and breathing before their very eyes.